The Kami's deliverance - Part One
A story. I'm not bored
It was dawn, in an entirely non-derogative fashion an unnamed Asako Diplomat was riding towards a magnificent fortress in the middle of nowhere.
He was on a mission of the greatest importance to the Phoenix clan - he was to ensure closer relations with the Dragon clan so they could use Mirumotos' known temper tantrums to defend Phoenix territory. The castle overhead was a bit 'Emerald City' but being wise in the ways of the world he chose to ignore this and pretend instead that such architecture was indeed possible. It was though a helpful distraction. His last mission had been of similar nature but had been to the Crab. This had gone spectacularly badly. He reviewed his approach to see if he could improve
A cut scene in the past - a Crab Wall tower with several hundred eager Crab Samurai and peasants eagerly wondering why the Snape look alike was not wearing armour and seemed to have chosen colours that just say 'shoot me' and not more camouflaged greys.
"Greetings brave Crab, I have come from Phoenix lands to liaison with your leaders!", this sterling first line seemed to have an invalid effect as he could hear from some of the unquiet responses from the front.
"Ewwww he want to do what with our leaders"
"liaison with them"
"probably an euphemism"
"Kisada will liaise his club into his head if he tries"
Better to explain this away, " No, no I wish to extend the hand of friendship"
"I he want's to 'liaison' with our leaders using his just his hands. What a sicko. Explains the clothes"
"That’s not it I just need good relations"
"we don’t swing that way you pervert. Get a haircut!"
That had been the highlight of the diplomatic mission - it had all gone down hill from there.
The gate was now just ahead and a bored guard nodded him through and soon, sooner than he expected but let's be honest no one would be interested otherwise, he was standing in front of what was the closest thing the Dragon had to a courtier. This man was bald and did not seem happy about it.
"Kojak. Some bloody artist copied my face to save time and now I look permanently constipated. Plus why I am always typecast as hard nut investigators. I can do romantic comedy you know"
The Diplomat bowed
"Stop doing that it makes me uncomfortable"
"Stop doing that it makes me uncomfortable"
"What does, manners?"
"No, this is a US designed game and look at you kowtowing like an oriental. All this cultural appropriation really pisses me off"
"I know not what 'oriental' means?"
" Of course you don’t you’re a piece of cardboard, look at this place and the women! Why do all the women look like western girls and don't get me started on Kakita Kaezrin. WTF is that about. Who decided that 'that' face would not stick out like a sore thumb in this setting."
"I am delighted you respond well to the beauty of our women. Let me tell you some of the Phoenix women look nothing like the clan males."
" Yes but that’s not the point. You could take any of these women and match to a scale of western beauty"
" So if I introduced you to Hotaru for example? "
"Hell yeah. She is so white she practically screams privilege. I bet she doesn't know the meaning of a hard days work. Plus she bats for the other team. How bloody twenty first century is that"
"I don't believe she exists, yet she still appears disrobed in almost every battle in the Empire."
" I think I understand. If you would let me meet Yokuni then I can, I am certain, fulfill your dreams"
" Ha! We Dragon are not so easily swayed. Even if you did bring over some hotness I would never betray my promise to my Lord"
The Diplomat clicked his fingers and a Doji Gift Giver walked in
"Bloody hell, what is that"
" A cultural appropriate Lady for you."
The gift giver blinked around the room until her eyes focused on Kojak," ooo I really liked you in 'balls of steel' let me get to know you further. I have some KY Jelly, I need the lubrication - here take it.."
She ran after him and the Diplomat waited until he was sure that the way was clear before moving to the next room.
Here a large tea party seemed to be occurring. A great mix of clans were sitting around all showing unusually impeccable manners while a tall Crane poured tea. He noticed Kakita Asami standing watching quietly at the side. The Diplomat sided over
"why is everyone so well behaved? That's a crab taking tea there and he just said 'Domo'. I don’t think I have ever heard of a Crab thanking anyone for anything. I didn't realize they had the vocabulary."
Asami bowed formally," there is nothing beyond the Crane. Though to be frank these tea parties used to be a little disastrous. We would show up and the Scorpion would throw stink bombs or make fake chocolates out of manure. It really was a fate worse than death to be here ever bloody time, no other clan got anything done - at least until we invited our Guest of Honor. She is like the worlds strictest teacher and no one dares try anything when she is in the room.
In the center the Guest of Honor had indeed just rapped a ruler on the hands of one of the Unicorn contingent. As the Diplomat watched he noticed a masked Scorpion scattering a suspicious powder into the Guests cup. Asami had noticed as well and she sidled over and whispered in his ear. He promptly got up, apologized profusely and left the room. Asami accidentally knocked the cup over and tidied before moving back.
"What was that about?"
"The Scorpion was trying to get some waccy baccy into the Guest drink. It would have Clouded her mind causing her to lose attention. Then the Kami knows what would happen. I outwitted him by telling him his wife had been seen with the Otomo Courtier and that was enough for him to panic. After all is the Otomo a women or man? If a man then he has competition if a woman then he wants to be involved being a Scorpion so probably a bit challenged in the normal department"
The Diplomat was amazed at this evidence of Crane's famed political skills.
"I think there is something the Crane could assist me with"
TO BE CONTINUED. WHAT DOES THE DIPLOMAT WANT. WILL KACHIKO APPEAR DISROBED AGAIN. WHAT SEX IS THE OTOMO COURTIER